Monday, March 19, 2007

OMFG Never Again

I feel REALLY bad about neglecting mah blaaaahg for such an inappropriately lengthy period of time. I have good excuses, though: it's been a zany couple of weeks. First, I got this new assignment--at a law firm. And my supervisor, "Gaylord", is cracking that whip hella hard on me and micromanaging the shit out of my office affairs. Thus I didn't want to get caught managing a BLAAAAHHHHG that's called Temp to Fire which he could easily google and discover that is all about how I am slowly leeching the efficiency and integrity of their biz. And after work, doing my updating shit means trucking my Craptop to the nearest cafe that also serves beer, which, lately, has been hard cause between Adam's send-off (SAD), St. Paddy's weekend, the recent beautiful weather and whatnot--shit has been real busy.

Anyhoo, so this job, despite the Gaylord's constant presence in my grill, is aight. It's very...how you say...weirdly friendly. Like, they made me write an introductory email to the whole office with fun friendly facts about myself. In the third person. With no prompt, WTF am I supposed to include? I don't have concrete, office-friendly hobbies or interests like "playing basketball" or "salsa dancing" or "spending time with my 4-year-old son," to name some examples from past emails I peeped. I mean liiiiike...do they REALLY know what I do on weekends? I thought about making something up like "playing backup tambourine in a Carole King cover band" (*NOT A TOTAL FABRICATION), but, this seems like the kind of office where they would be really into it and the "surprise" you at one of your made up performances in the name of team-building. So I guess good thing I am not actually in a Carole King cover band. (YET.)

I did bang out and then discard some more truthful introductory emails:

Hey all! You may have noticed a bright new face at reception. Meet "Tempist," a 23-year old graduate of XXXXX College. She graduated in 2005 with a degree in Inflated Career Expectations and has since waitressed and answered phones whilst living with her parents. For fun, Tempist likes to keep well abreast of the activities good-looking famous people to but mostly smokes doobies and drinks with her friends and sometimes plays the lotto. Catch her in the bar sucking face with the nearest short guy in a vest. Be sure to stop by and offer her a warm welcome!

Mind you this is a temp assignment!

See, I didn't want them to think I'm boring, but I also didn't want them to think I'm crazy. So I landed somewhere in the middle and as a result, no one talks to me. Which is cool.

Actually, the people here are pretty nice and now I have a regular dude who I chop it up with, "Paco." He swings by and we bullshit for 2 seconds and today we were bulshitting about how we were so beat from St. Paddy's day.

So I'm all: "Yeah dude, I am paying for it right now!"

And he goes: "Ha! Yeah. Well, you know what they say--sometimes, you just gotta have another drink!"

So I'm like, Yeah I hear that!

And he's like, I have a minibar in my office.

And I'm like hell yeah dude, assuming that he's being jokey of course. But 5 minutes later he comes back wielding a styrofoam cup half filled with whiskey and Baileys. Not wanting to look like a pussy I took it, obvi. And then I felt fucking great. And so now I have a coworker who feels me.

Alright. It is almost time for Dancing with the Stars with the one-legged bane of Britain Heather Mills.

MUCHLUV-4 real,

TEMPIST

1 comment:

Adam F-Bomb said...

I would totally get involved in a Carole King cover band! Remember her "Really Rosie" kids album, featuring such classics as "Chicken Soup with Rice" and "One Was Johnny"? An instant classic.

The new gig sounds pretty sweet. Lick a shot with Paco for me tomorrow morning.